The Evil Within The Assignment Deathstalker

ACCESS WEBPAGES FOR
INDIVIDUAL MSTed MOVIES and SHORTS
ALPHABETICAL LISTING BY TITLE

Find the Title and Click the Experiment Number

Exp Number - Title (Year Released; Year Filmed, if different)
includes all known alternate titles; *denotes most common title(s)

A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z

815 - AGENT FOR H.A.R.M. (1966; 1965)
...a.k.a. Agent for h.a.r.m. (opening credits)
...a.k.a. THE H.A.R.M. MACHINE

516 - ALIEN FROM L.A. (1987)
...a.k.a. ODEON

307S - ALPHABET ANTICS (1951)

309 - THE AMAZING COLOSSAL MAN (1957)
...a.k.a. THE AMAZING NTH MAN (working)
...a.k.a. I GIGANTI INVADONO LA TERRA (Italy)

623 - THE AMAZING TRANSPARENT MAN (1959)

622 - ANGELS REVENGE (1978)
...a.k.a. *ANGELS' BRIGADE (original)
...a.k.a. SEVEN FROM HEAVEN (working)

320S2 - APPRECIATING YOUR PARENTS (1950's)

315S1 - AQUATIC WIZARDS (1955)

616S - ARE YOU READY FOR MARRIAGE? (1950)

CON96S - ASSIGNMENT: VENEZUELA (1956)

518 - THE ATOMIC BRAIN (1963)
...a.k.a. *MONSTROSITY (original)

418 - ATTACK OF THE EYE CREATURES (1965)
...a.k.a. ATTACK OF THE THE EYE CREATURES
(per opening credits)
...a.k.a. THE EYE CREATURES (original)

406 - ATTACK OF THE GIANT LEECHES (1959)
...a.k.a. *THE GIANT LEECHES (original)
...a.k.a. ATTACK OF THE BLOOD LEECHES
...a.k.a. DEMONS OF THE SWAMP (England)
...a.k.a. SHE DEMONS OF THE SWAMP

621 - THE BEAST OF YUCCA FLATS (1961)
...a.k.a. ATOMIC MONSTER--THE BEAST OF YUCCA FLATS (variation)
...a.k.a. GIRL MADNESS (1964 re-release)

415 - THE BEATNIKS (1960; 1958)

517 - BEGINNING OF THE END (1957)

405 - BEING FROM ANOTHER PLANET (1982)
...a.k.a. *TIME WALKER (original)
...a.k.a. TIMEWALKER (variation)

113 - THE BLACK SCORPION (1957)

M00 - BLOOD HOOK (1986)
...a.k.a. MUSKEE MADNESS (re-release?)

1005 - BLOOD WATERS OF DR. Z (1982; 1972)
...a.k.a. THE BLOOD WATERS OF DR. Z (variation)
...a.k.a. BLOOD WATERS OF DOCTOR Z (variation)
...a.k.a. *ZAAT (original)
...a.k.a. ZaaT (variation)
...a.k.a. *ATTACK OF THE SWAMP CREATURE
...a.k.a. HYDRA (Canada)

607 - BLOODLUST! (1959)

510S - BODY CARE AND GROOMING (1950's)

1006 - BOGGY CREEK II: AND THE LEGEND CONTINUES... (1985; 1983)
...a.k.a. BOGGY CREEK II (variation)
...a.k.a. BOGGY CREEK 2 (variation)
...a.k.a. BOGGY CREEK 2: THE LEGEND CONTINUES
...a.k.a. *THE BARBARIC BEAST OF BOGGY CREEK, PART II
...a.k.a. THE BARBARIC BEAST OF BOGGY CREEK, PART 2

513 - THE BRAIN THAT WOULDN'T DIE (1962; 1959)
...a.k.a. THE HEAD THAT WOULDN'T DIE (working)

423 - BRIDE OF THE MONSTER (1955)
...a.k.a. BRIDE OF THE ATOM (pre-release)
...a.k.a. MONSTER OF THE MARSHES (working)
...a.k.a. THE ATOMIC MONSTER (original screenplay)
...a.k.a. LA NOVIA DEL MONSTRUO (Argentina)

702 - THE BRUTE MAN (1946; 1945)
...a.k.a. THE BRUTE

1012S - A CASE OF SPRING FEVER (1940)

323 - THE CASTLE OF FU MANCHU (1968)
...a.k.a. ASSIGNMENT ISTANBUL (USA re-release?)
...a.k.a. *DER FOLTERKAMMER DES DR. FU MANCHU (Germany)
...a.k.a. DIE FOLTERKAMMER DES DR. FU MAN CHU (Germany)
...a.k.a. FU MANCHU'S CASTLE
...a.k.a. THE TORTURE CHAMBER OF FU MANCHU
...a.k.a. IL CASTELLO DI FU MANCHU (Italy)
...a.k.a. EL CASTILLO DE FUMANCHU (Spain)

204 - CATALINA CAPER (1967)
...a.k.a. NEVER STEAL ANYTHING WET (alternate)

315S2 - CATCHING TROUBLE (1950's)

301 - THE CAVE DWELLERS (1984)
...a.k.a. CAVE DWELLERS (variation)
...a.k.a. *ATOR THE INVINCIBLE (original)
...a.k.a. ATOR L'INVINCIBLE 2 (France)
...a.k.a. *THE BLADE MASTER (video)
...a.k.a. ATOR, THE BLADE MASTER
...a.k.a. THE RETURN

906S - CENTURY 21 CALLING... (1962)

515S - CHEATING (1952)

702S - THE CHICKEN OF TOMORROW (1950's)

421S - CIRCUS ON ICE (1950's)

403 - CITY LIMITS (1984)

K16 - CITY ON FIRE (1978)

608 - CODE NAME: DIAMOND HEAD (1977)

605 - COLOSSUS AND THE HEADHUNTERS (1960)
...a.k.a. *MACISTE CONTRO I CACCIATORI DI TESTE (original/Italy)
...a.k.a. MACISTE VS. THE HEADHUNTERS

105 - THE CORPSE VANISHES (1942)
...a.k.a. THE CASE OF THE MISSING BRIDES (England)

K10 - COSMIC PRINCESS (1976)
...a.k.a. *SPACE: 1999 (TV series)

417 - CRASH OF MOONS (1953)
...a.k.a. CRASH OF THE MOONS (typo)
...a.k.a. *ROCKY JONES, SPACE RANGER (TV series)

101 - THE CRAWLING EYE (1958; 1957)
...a.k.a. *THE TROLLENBERG TERROR (original/England)
...a.k.a. THE CREATURE FROM ANOTHER WORLD
...a.k.a. THE FLYING EYE
...a.k.a. THE CREEPING EYE (re-release)

106 - THE CRAWLING HAND (1963)
...a.k.a. STRIKE ME DEADLY (alternate)
...a.k.a. THE CREEPING HAND (re-release?)
...a.k.a. DON'T CRY WOLF
...a.k.a. TOMORROW YOU DIE

606 - THE CREEPING TERROR (1963)
...a.k.a. THE CRAWLING MONSTER
...a.k.a. DANGEROUS CHARTER (alternate)

307 - DADDY-O (1959)
...a.k.a. OUT ON PROBATION (re-release)
...a.k.a. DOWNBEAT (England)

620 - DANGER!! DEATH RAY (1967)
...a.k.a. *NIDO DE ESPIAS (original/Spain: Nest of Spies)
...a.k.a. LOS INTOCABLES VUELVEN AL ATAQUE (Spain)
...a.k.a. IL RAGGIO INFERNALE (original/Italy)
...a.k.a. LE RAYON INFERNAL (France)
...a.k.a. DEATH RAY

602S - A DATE WITH YOUR FAMILY (1950)

608S - A DAY AT THE FAIR (1947)

422 - THE DAY THE EARTH FROZE (1959)
...a.k.a. *SAMPO (original/USSR)

H01 - THE DAY THE WORLD ENDED (1955)

623S - THE DAYS OF OUR YEARS (1955)

603 - THE DEAD TALK BACK (1993; 1957)

905 - THE DEADLY BEES (1967; 1966)

804 - THE DEADLY MANTIS (1957)
...a.k.a. THE INCREDIBLE PRAYING MANTIS
...a.k.a. THE GIANT MANTIS (re-release)
...a.k.a. PANIQUE AUX U.S.A. (Belgium)
...a.k.a. PANIEK IN DE U.S.A. (Belgium)
...a.k.a. MANTIDE OMICIDA (Italy)
...a.k.a. EL MONSTRUO ALADO (Mexico)

703 - DEATHSTALKER AND THE WARRIORS FROM HELL (1988)
...a.k.a. *DEATHSTALKER III: DEATHSTALKER AND THE WARRIORS FROM HELL (alternate)
...a.k.a. *DEATHSTALKER III: THE WARRIORS FROM HELL (alternate)
...a.k.a. DEATHSTALKER 3: THE WARRIORS FROM HELL (variation)
...a.k.a. DEATHSTALKER 3 (variation)

524S - DESIGN FOR DREAMING (1956)

818 - DEVIL DOLL (1964; 1963)
...a.k.a. THE DEVIL DOLL (variation)

911 - DEVIL FISH (1984)
...a.k.a. DEVILFISH (variation)
...a.k.a. SHARK ROSSO NELL'OCEANO (original/Italy)
...a.k.a. RED OCEAN
...a.k.a. MONSTER SHARK
...a.k.a. DEVOURING WAVES

1013 - DIABOLIK (1968; 1967)
...a.k.a. DANGER: DIABOLIK (USA release title)

313 - EARTH VS. THE SPIDER (1958)
...a.k.a. *THE SPIDER (original)
...a.k.a. EARTH VS. THE GIANT SPIDER
...a.k.a. THE VAMPIRE SPIDER (Belgium)

506 - EEGAH! (1962)
...a.k.a. EEGAH! THE NAME WRITTEN IN BLOOD
(per opening credits)

705 - ESCAPE 2000 (1984)
...a.k.a. *ESCAPE FROM THE BRONX (original)
...a.k.a. FUGA DEL BRONX (Italy/original)
...a.k.a. LES GUERRIERS DU BRONX 2 (France)
...a.k.a. WARRIORS OF THE BRONX 2

1008 - FINAL JUSTICE (1985; 1984)

910 - THE FINAL SACRIFICE (1991; 1990)
...a.k.a. *QUEST FOR THE LOST CITY

416 - FIRE MAIDENS OF OUTER SPACE (1956; 1955)
...a.k.a. *FIRE MAIDENS FROM OUTER SPACE (alternate/England)
...a.k.a. THIRTEENTH MOON OF JUPITER (original/England)

211 - FIRST SPACESHIP ON VENUS (1960)
...a.k.a. *DER SCHWEIGENDE STERN (original/E. Germany)
...a.k.a. DER STILLE STERN
...a.k.a. THE SILENT STAR
...a.k.a. MILCZACA GWIAZDA
...a.k.a. MOLCZACI KRZYDLA
...a.k.a. PLANET OF THE DEAD
...a.k.a. SPACESHIP VENUS DOES NOT REPLY

310 - FUGITIVE ALIEN (1986; 1978)
...a.k.a. *SUTAURUFU (original TV series/Japan)
...a.k.a. STARWOLF

1004 - FUTURE WAR (1995; 1994)

302 - GAMERA (1965)
...a.k.a. *DAIKAIJU GAMERA (original/Japan)
...a.k.a. GIANT MONSTER GAMERA
...a.k.a. *GAMMERA, THE INVINCIBLE (USA release)
...a.k.a. GAMERA THE INVINCIBLE (variation)
...a.k.a. IL MOSTRO INVINCIBILE (Italy: The Invincible Monster)
...not a.k.a. DAIGUNJU NEZURA
(working title/Japan: The Great Rat Swarm)

304 - GAMERA VS. BARUGON (1966)
...a.k.a. GAMERA VERSUS BARUGON (variation)
...a.k.a. DAI KAIJU KETO--GAMERA TAI BARUGON (original/Japan)
...a.k.a. GAMERA TAI BARUGON
...a.k.a. GREAT MONSTER BATTLE: GAMERA VS. BARUGON
...a.k.a. *WAR OF THE MONSTERS (USA release)
...a.k.a. GAMERA VS. BARAGON (typo)

308 - GAMERA VS. GAOS (1967)
...a.k.a. GAMERA VERSUS GAOS (variation)
...a.k.a. GAMERA VS. GYAOS (alternate)
...a.k.a. *RETURN OF THE GIANT MONSTERS (USA release)
...a.k.a. DAI KAIJU KUCHUSEN: GAMERA TAI GYAOS (original/Japan)
...a.k.a. GREAT MONSTERS' SKY BATTLE: GAMERA VS. GAOS
...a.k.a. *GAMERA TAI GYAOS
...a.k.a. *GAMERA TAI GYAOSU
...a.k.a. BOY ICHI AND THE SUPERMONSTER
...a.k.a. GAMERA CONTRO IL MOSTRO GAOS (Italy)

312 - GAMERA VS. GUIRON (1969)
...a.k.a. GAMERA VERSUS GUIRON (variation)
...a.k.a. *ATTACK OF THE MONSTERS (USA release)
...a.k.a. *GAMERA TAI DAIAKUJU GIRON (original/Japan)
...a.k.a. GAMERA VS. THE GIANT EVIL BEAST GIRON

316 - GAMERA VS. ZIGRA (1971)
...a.k.a. GAMERA VERSUS ZIGRA (variation)
...a.k.a. *GAMERA TAI SHINKAI KAIJU JIGURA (original/Japan)
...a.k.a. GAMERA VS. THE DEEP SEA MONSTER ZIGRA

413S - GENERAL HOSPITAL (1963)

402 - THE GIANT GILA MONSTER (1959)
...a.k.a. GILA, IL MONSTRUO GIGANTE (Argentina)

810 - THE GIANT SPIDER INVASION (1975)

1002 - GIRL IN GOLD BOOTS (1969; 1968)
...a.k.a. THE GIRL IN GOLD BOOTS (variation)

509 - THE GIRL IN LOVERS LANE (1959)
...a.k.a. THE GIRL IN LOVERS' LANE (variation)
...a.k.a. THE GIRL IN LOVER'S LANE (variation)

601 - GIRLS TOWN (1959)
...a.k.a. GIRL'S TOWN (variation)
...a.k.a. GIRLS' TOWN (variation)
...a.k.a. THE INNOCENT AND THE DAMNED (1961 re-release)

212 - GODZILLA VS. MEGALON (1976; 1973)
...a.k.a. GODZILLA VERSUS MEGALON (variation)
...a.k.a. *GOJIRA TAI MEGARO (original/Japan)
...a.k.a. KING-KONG DAMONEN AUS DEM WELTALL (Germany)
...a.k.a. TITANES PLANETARIOS (Mexico)

213 - GODZILLA VS. THE SEA MONSTER (1966)
...a.k.a. GODZILLA VERSUS THE SEA MONSTER (variation)
...a.k.a. EBIRAH, HORROR OF THE DEEP (England)
...a.k.a. EBIRAH, TERROR OF THE DEEP (alternate)
...a.k.a. *GOJIRA--EBIRA--MOSURA: NANKAI NO DAI KETTO (original/Japan)
...a.k.a. GODZILLA--EBIRA--MOTHRA: THE GREAT SOUTH SEAS DUEL
...a.k.a. BIG DUEL IN THE NORTH
...a.k.a. BIG DUEL IN THE NORTH SEA
...a.k.a. IL RITORNO DI GODZILLA (The Return of Godzilla/Italy)
...a.k.a. FRANKENSTEIN UND DIS UNGEHAUER AUS DEM MEER (Germany)

909 - GORGO (1961; 1960)

K00 - THE GREEN SLIME (1968)
...a.k.a. GAMMA SANGO UCHU DAISAKUSEN (original/Japan)
...a.k.a. BATTLE BEYOND THE STARS
...a.k.a. DEATH AND THE GREEN SLIME
...a.k.a. BATTLE OF SPACE STATION GAMMA
...a.k.a. GAMMA #3 BIG MILITARY SPACE OPERATION
...a.k.a. AFTER THE DESTRUCTION OF SPACE STATION GAMMA: BIG MILITARY OPERATION
...a.k.a. IL FANGO VERDE (Italy)
...a.k.a. EL CIENO VERDE (Mexico)

912S - A GUMBY ADVENTURE: ROBOT RUMPUS (1956)

511 - GUNSLINGER (1956)
...a.k.a. THE GUNSLINGER (variation)

1009 - HAMLET (1962; 1960)

K19 - HANGAR 18 (1980)
...a.k.a. INVASION FORCE (TV release)

209 - THE HELLCATS (1967)

502 - HERCULES (1957)
...a.k.a. *LE FATICHE DI ERCOLE (original/Italy)
...a.k.a. LES TRAVAUX D'HERCULE (France)
...a.k.a. THE LABORS OF HERCULES

410 - HERCULES AGAINST THE MOON MEN (1964)
...a.k.a. HERCULES VS. THE MOON MEN
...a.k.a. *MACISTE E LA REGINA DI SAMAR (original/Italy)
...a.k.a. MACISTE ET LA REINE DE SAMAR (France)
...a.k.a. MACISTE AND THE QUEEN OF SAMAR
...a.k.a. MACISTE CONTRO GLI UOMINI DELLA LUNA
...a.k.a. MACISTE VS. THE MOON MEN
...a.k.a. MACISTE CONTRE LES HOMMES DE PIERRE (France)
...a.k.a. MACISTE VS. THE STONE MEN

412 - HERCULES AND THE CAPTIVE WOMEN (1963)
...a.k.a. *ERCOLE ALLA CONQUISTA DI ATLANTIDE (original/Italy)
...a.k.a. HERCULES AND THE CONQUEST OF ATLANTIS
...a.k.a. HERCULE A LA CONQUETE DE L'ATLANTIDE (France)
...a.k.a. HERCULES CONQUERS ATLANTIS (England)
...a.k.a. HERCULES AND THE HAUNTED WOMEN

408 - HERCULES UNCHAINED (1960; 1958)
...a.k.a. *ERCOLE E LA REGINA DI LIDIA (original/Italy)
...a.k.a. HERCULES AND THE QUEEN OF LYDIA
...a.k.a. HERCULES AND THE QUEEN OF SHEBA
...a.k.a. HERCULE ET LA REINE DE LYDIE (Belgium)
...a.k.a. HERKULES EN DE KONINGIN VAN LYDIA (Belgium)

422S - HERE COMES THE CIRCUS (1950's)

618 - HIGH SCHOOL BIG SHOT (1959; 1958)

423S/424S - HIRED! Parts 1 & 2 (1941)

907 - HOBGOBLINS (1987; 1985)

317S - THE HOME ECONOMICS STORY (1951)

817 - THE HORROR OF PARTY BEACH (1964; 1963)
...a.k.a. HORROR OF PARTY BEACH (variation)
...a.k.a. INVASION OF THE ZOMBIES (working)
...a.k.a. HORROR EN LA PLAYA BIKINI (Mexico)

1011 - HORRORS OF SPIDER ISLAND (1965; 1959)
...a.k.a. THE HORRORS OF SPIDER ISLAND (variation)
...a.k.a. EIN TOTER HING IM NETZ (1959; original/West Germany)
...a.k.a. IT'S HOT IN PARADISE (1960; USA)
...a.k.a. THE GIRLS OF SPIDER ISLAND
...a.k.a. A CORPSE HANGS IN THE WEB
...a.k.a. BODY IN THE WEB
...a.k.a. THE SPIDER'S WEB

420 - THE HUMAN DUPLICATORS (1964)
...a.k.a. AGENTE SPAZIALE K.1 (Italy)
...a.k.a. LES CREATURES DE KOLOS (France)
...a.k.a. SPACE AGENT K1
...a.k.a. JAWS OF THE ALIEN

K11 - HUMANOID WOMAN (1981)
...a.k.a. *CHEREZ TERNII K ZVEZDAM (original/USSR)
...a.k.a. ISKUSSTVENNYI CHELOVEK and ANGELY KOSMOSA (original/USSR)
...a.k.a. PER ASPERA AD ASTRA (Latin)
...a.k.a. TO THE STARS BY HARD WAYS (USA)

507 - I ACCUSE MY PARENTS (1945; 1944)

809 - I WAS A TEENAGE WEREWOLF (1957)
...a.k.a. I WAS A TEEN-AGE WEREWOLF (variation)
...a.k.a. BLOOD OF THE WEREWOLF (working)
...a.k.a. LES GRIFFES DU LOUP-GAROU (Belgium)
...a.k.a. DE KLAUWEN VAN DER WEERWOLF (Belgium)

704 - THE INCREDIBLE MELTING MAN (1977)

812 - THE INCREDIBLY STRANGE CREATURES WHO STOPPED LIVING AND BECAME MIXED-UP ZOMBIES (1963)
...a.k.a. THE INCREDIBLY STRANGE CREATURES, ETC. (variation)
...a.k.a. THE INCREDIBLY STRANGE CREATURES
...a.k.a. THE INCREDIBLY MIXED-UP ZOMBIE
...a.k.a. TEENAGE PSYCHO MEETS BLOODY MARY (re-release)
...a.k.a. DIABOLICAL DR. VOODOO
...a.k.a. FACE OF EVIL (working)
...a.k.a. INFERNALES EXTRANAS CREATURAS (Mexico)

409 - THE INDESTRUCTIBLE MAN (1956)
...a.k.a. L'HOMME INDESTRUCTIBILE (Belgium)
...a.k.a. DE ONVERNIELBARE MAN (Belgium)
...a.k.a. EL HOMBRE INDESTRUCTIBLE (Mexico)

K01 - INVADERS FROM THE DEEP (1981)
...a.k.a. INVADERS FROM THE DEEP: STINGRAY

819 - INVASION OF THE NEPTUNE MEN (1963; 1961)
...a.k.a. *UCHU KAISOKU-SEN (original/Japan)
...a.k.a. INVASION FROM A PLANET
...a.k.a. SPACE GREYHOUND

602 - INVASION U.S.A. (1953; 1952)
...a.k.a. INVASION, U.S.A. (variation)

514S - IS THIS LOVE? (1957)

311 - IT CONQUERED THE WORLD (1956)
...a.k.a. IT CONQUERED THE EARTH (working)

1010 - IT LIVES BY NIGHT (1974)
...a.k.a. *THE BAT PEOPLE
...a.k.a. IT'S ALIVE

813 - JACK FROST (1965)
...a.k.a. *MOROZKO (original/USSR)
...a.k.a. GRANDFATHER FROST
...a.k.a. THE FROSTY
...a.k.a. FROST

419S - JOHNNY AT THE FAIR (1947)
...a.k.a. JEAN-FURET VA-T-A LA FOIRE (French)

203 - JUNGLE GODDESS (1948)
...a.k.a. LA REINA DE LA FIERAS (Mexico)

407S - JUNIOR RODEO DAREDEVILS (1949)

613S - KEEPING CLEAN AND NEAT (1956)

407 - THE KILLER SHREWS (1959)
...a.k.a. THE ATTACK OF THE KILLER SHREWS (re-release)
...a.k.a. LAS RATAS ASESINAS (Mexico)

210 - KING DINOSAUR (1955)
...a.k.a. EL PLANETA INFERNAL (Mexico)

615 - KITTEN WITH A WHIP (1964)

706 - LASERBLAST (1977)

K20 - THE LAST CHASE (1981; 1980)

520S - LAST CLEAR CHANCE (1959)

611 - LAST OF THE WILD HORSES (1948)

802 - THE LEECH WOMAN (1959)
...a.k.a. LEECH (working)
...a.k.a. MATAR PARA VIVIR (Mexico)

K21 - LEGEND OF THE DINOSAUR (1983; 1977)
...a.k.a. *KYORYU: KAICHO NO DENSETSU (original)
...a.k.a. DINOSAURS: LEGEND OF THE STRANGE ISLAND (translation)
...a.k.a. *LEGEND OF THE DINOSAURS
...a.k.a. THE LEGEND OF DINOSAURS
...a.k.a. LEGEND OF DINOSAURS AND MONSTER BIRDS
...a.k.a. THE MONSTER FROM MT. FUJI

208 - LOST CONTINENT (1951)
...a.k.a. THE LOST CONTINENT (variation)

103 - THE MAD MONSTER (1942)
...a.k.a. THE MAD MONSTERS (working)

411 - THE MAGIC SWORD (1962)
...a.k.a. ST. GEORGE AND THE DRAGON
...a.k.a. ST. GEORGE AND THE SEVEN CURSES
...a.k.a. L'EPEE ENCHANTEE (France)
...a.k.a. LA ESPADA MAGICA (Mexico)

505 - THE MAGIC VOYAGE OF SINBAD (1952)
...a.k.a. *SADKO (original/USSR)

413 - MANHUNT IN SPACE (1953)
...a.k.a. *ROCKY JONES, SPACE RANGER (TV series Chapters: PIRATES OF PRAH)

424 - MANOS, THE HANDS OF FATE (1966)
...a.k.a. THE LODGE OF SINS (working)
...a.k.a. MANGOS, CANS OF FRUIT (per cast and crew)

322 - MASTER NINJA I (1984; 1983)
...a.k.a. *THE MASTER (TV series episodes MAX and OUT-OF-TIME-STEP)

324 - MASTER NINJA II (1984; 1983)
...a.k.a. *THE MASTER (TV series episodes STATE OF THE UNION and HOSTAGES)

1003 - MERLIN'S SHOP OF MYSTICAL WONDERS
(1996; 1995)

...a.k.a. MERLIN'S SHOP OF MAGICAL WONDERS (typo?)

314 - MIGHTY JACK (1968)
...a.k.a. *TATAKAE MIGHTY JACK (original/Japan)
...a.k.a. MAITEI JIYAKU (TV series title)

K18 - THE MILLION EYES OF SU-MURU (1967)
...a.k.a. THE 1,000 EYES OF SU-MURU
...a.k.a. THE 1,000,000 EYES OF SU-MURU (variation)
...a.k.a. SU-MURU (England)
...a.k.a. SUMURU
...a.k.a. THE SLAVES OF SU-MURU

319S - MR. B NATURAL (1960's)

512 - MITCHELL (1975)

803 - THE MOLE PEOPLE (1956)
...a.k.a. MENACES SOUS LA TERRE (Belgium)
...a.k.a. NEL TEMPIO DEGLI UOMINI TALPA (Italy)

621S1 - MONEY TALKS! (1951)

421 - MONSTER A GO-GO (1965)
...a.k.a. MONSTER A GO-GO! (variation)
...a.k.a. TERROR AT HALFDAY (working title)

111 - MOON ZERO TWO (1969)
...a.k.a. LUNA-02: CRIMEN EN EL ESPACIO (Italy?)

T01 - MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000: TV SERIES
(1989-1999)


M01 - MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000: THE MOVIE (1996; 1995)
...a.k.a. MST3K: THE MOVIE (slang to fans)

701 - NIGHT OF THE BLOOD BEAST (1958)
...a.k.a. THE CREATURE FROM GALAXY 27 (working)
...a.k.a. THE MONSTER FROM GALAXY 27 (working)
...a.k.a. LA BESTIA INFERNAL (Mexico)

701S - ONCE UPON A HONEYMOON (1956)

508 - OPERATION DOUBLE 007 (1967)
...a.k.a. *OPERATION KID BROTHER (original)
...a.k.a. O.K. CONNERY
...a.k.a. SECRET AGENT 00 (video)

618S - OUT OF THIS WORLD (1950's)

519 - OUTLAW (1989; 1986)
...a.k.a. *OUTLAW OF GOR (original)
...a.k.a. THE OUTLAW (variation)

822 - OVERDRAWN AT THE MEMORY BANK (1983)

510 - THE PAINTED HILLS (1951)
...a.k.a. LA COLINA DORADA (Mexico)

811 - PARTS: THE CLONUS HORROR (1979)
...a.k.a. *THE CLONUS HORROR (original)

203S - THE PHANTOM CREEPS (1939)
...a.k.a. THE SHADOW CREEPS

902 - THE PHANTOM PLANET (1961)
...a.k.a. EL PLANETA FUGITIVO (Mexico)

K09 - PHASE IV (1974)
...a.k.a. PHASE 4 (typo)

303 - POD PEOPLE (1983)
...a.k.a. *THE UNEARTHLING (1984 USA release)
...a.k.a. EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL VISITORS (1985 USA re-release?)
...a.k.a. TALES OF TRUMPY
...a.k.a. *LOS NUEVOS EXTRATERRESTRES (original/Spain)
...a.k.a. THE RETURN OF E.T.

320S1 - POSTURE PALS (1950's)

816 - PRINCE OF SPACE (1964; 1959)
...a.k.a. *YUSEI OJI (original/Japan)
...a.k.a. THE STAR PRINCE
...a.k.a. INVADERS FROM SPACE (alternate)
...a.k.a. INVADERS FROM THE SPACESHIP (alternate)

621S2 - PROGRESS ISLAND U.S.A. (1970's)

109 - PROJECT MOON BASE (1953; 1952)
...a.k.a. *PROJECT MOONBASE (typo)
...a.k.a. RING AROUND THE MOON

901 - THE PROJECTED MAN (1966)

903 - THE PUMA MAN (1979)
...a.k.a. *L'UOMO PUMA (original/Italy)

913 - QUEST OF THE DELTA KNIGHTS (1993)

616 - RACKET GIRLS (1951)
...a.k.a. *PIN-DOWN GIRL (original)
...a.k.a. PIN DOWN GIRL (variation)
...a.k.a. PIN DOWN GIRLS (variation)
...a.k.a. WRESTLING RACKET GIRLS
...a.k.a. BLONDE PICKUP (re-release)

102S - RADAR MEN FROM THE MOON (1951)
...a.k.a. *RETIK, THE MOON MENACE (1966; re-edited feature)
...a.k.a. COMMANDO CODY
...a.k.a. GUERRA ENTRE PLANETAS
(War Between the Planets/Argentina)
...not a.k.a. COMMANDO CODY: SKY MARSHALL OF THE UNIVERSE (1953 TV series)

520 - RADAR SECRET SERVICE (1950)

419 - THE REBEL SET (1959)
...a.k.a. BEATSVILLE (re-release)

619 - RED ZONE CUBA (1965; 1961)
...a.k.a. *NIGHT TRAIN TO MUNDO FINE (original)

801 - REVENGE OF THE CREATURE (1955)
...a.k.a. RETURN OF THE CREATURE (working)
...a.k.a. LA REVANCHE DU MONSTRE (Belgium)
...a.k.a. LA VENDETTA DEL MOSTRO (Italy)

K02 - REVENGE OF THE MYSTERONS (1981)
...a.k.a. REVENGE OF THE MYSTERONS FROM MARS
...a.k.a. REVENGE OF THE MYSTERIANS (Best Brains typo)
...a.k.a. CAPTAIN SCARLET (TV series)
...not a.k.a. THUNDERBIRD 6

814 - RIDING WITH DEATH (1976)
...a.k.a. *GEMINI MAN (TV series)

206 - RING OF TERROR (1962)

110 - ROBOT HOLOCAUST (1987)

107 - ROBOT MONSTER (1953)
...a.k.a. MONSTERS FROM THE MOON (TV alternate)
...a.k.a. MONSTER FROM MARS (TV alternate)
...a.k.a. EL MONSTRUO DE MARTE (Mexico)
...a.k.a. INVASORES DE MARTE (Mexico)

912S - ROBOT RUMPUS (A GUMBY ADVENTURE) (1956)

102 - THE ROBOT VS. THE AZTEC MUMMY (1964; 1957)
...a.k.a. *LA MOMIA AZTECA CONTRA EL ROBOT HUMANO (original/Mexico)
...a.k.a. THE AZTEC MUMMY VS. THE HUMAN ROBOT
...a.k.a. EL ROBOT HUMANO (Mexico/re-release?)

205 - ROCKET ATTACK U.S.A. (1959)
...a.k.a. ROCKET ATTACK, U.S.A. (variation)

201 - ROCKETSHIP X-M (1950)
...a.k.a. EXPEDITION MOON
...a.k.a. DESTINAZIONE LUNA (Italy: Destination Moon)

624 - SAMSON VS. THE VAMPIRE WOMEN (1961)
...a.k.a. *SANTO CONTRA LAS MUJERES VAMPIROS (original/Mexico)
...a.k.a. SANTO VS. THE VAMPIRE WOMEN
...a.k.a. EL SANTO CONTRA LAS VAMPIRAS
...a.k.a. THE SAINT VS. THE VAMPIRE WOMEN
...a.k.a. LAS MUJERES VAMPIROS
...a.k.a. THE VAMPIRE WOMEN
...a.k.a. SUPERMAN CONTRE LE FEMMES VAMPIRES (France)
...a.k.a. SUPERMAN VS. THE VAMPIRE WOMEN

614 - SAN FRANCISCO INTERNATIONAL (1970)
...a.k.a. SAN FRANCISCO INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT
(TV series)

521 - SANTA CLAUS (1959)

321 - SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS (1964)
...a.k.a. SANTA CLAUS DEFEATS THE ALIENS (re-release)

912 - THE SCREAMING SKULL (1958)

504 - SECRET AGENT SUPER DRAGON (1966)
...a.k.a. NEW YORK CHIAMA SUPERDRAGO (Italy)
...a.k.a. NEW YORK APPELLE SUPER DRAGON (France)
...a.k.a. NEW YORK CALLING SUPERDRAGON
...a.k.a. HOLLENJAGD AUF HEISSE WARE (Germany)
...a.k.a. LA GUERRA DE LOS ESPIAS (Spain: War of the Spies)
...a.k.a. SUPER DRAGON

603S - THE SELLING WIZARD (1950's)

808 - THE SHE-CREATURE (1956)
...a.k.a. THE SHE CREATURE (typo)
...a.k.a. EL FANTASMA DE ULTRATUMBA (Mexico)

202 - THE SIDE HACKERS (1969)
...a.k.a. THE SIDEHACKERS (poster title)
...a.k.a. *FIVE THE HARD WAY (original)

613 - THE SINISTER URGE (1960)
...a.k.a. THE YOUNG AND IMMORAL (re-release)
...a.k.a. RACKET QUEEN (working)
...a.k.a. HELLBORN (unfinished film; used footage)

609 - THE SKYDIVERS (1963)

108 - THE SLIME PEOPLE (1962)

311S - SNOW THRILLS (1950's?)

1001 - SOULTAKER (1990)

906 - THE SPACE CHILDREN (1958)
...a.k.a. LES ENFANTS DE ESPACE (Belgium)
...a.k.a. HIJOS DEL ESPACIO (Mexico)

820 - SPACE MUTINY (1988; 1987)
...a.k.a. MUTINY IN SPACE

401 - SPACE TRAVELERS (1969)
...a.k.a. *MAROONED (original)

619S - SPEECH: PLATFORM POSTURE AND APPEARANCE (1949)

313S - SPEECH: USING YOUR VOICE (1950)

1012 - SQUIRM (1976)
...a.k.a. SQUIRM: INVASION DER BESTIEN (West Germany)

K13 - SST--DEATH FLIGHT (1977)
...a.k.a. *SST: DEATH FLIGHT (variation)
...a.k.a. FLIGHT OF THE MAIDEN (working)
...a.k.a. DEATH FLIGHT (overseas)
...a.k.a. SST: DISASTER IN THE SKY (rerun)

318 - STAR FORCE: FUGITIVE ALIEN II (1986; 1978)
...a.k.a. STAR FORCE (variation)
...a.k.a. *SUTAURUFU (original TV series/Japan)
...a.k.a. STARWOLF

612 - THE STARFIGHTERS (1964)

305 - STRANDED IN SPACE (1973)
...a.k.a. *THE STRANGER (original TV-movie/pilot)

K15 - SUPERDOME (1978)

503 - SWAMP DIAMONDS (1956)
...a.k.a. *SWAMP WOMEN (original)
...a.k.a. CRUEL SWAMP (re-release)
...a.k.a. MUJERES DEL PANTANO (Mexico)

617 - THE SWORD AND THE DRAGON (1960; 1956)
...a.k.a. *ILYA MOUROMETZ (original/USSR)
...a.k.a. *ILYA MOUROMEZ (original/variation)
...a.k.a. THE HERO AND THE BEAST

315 - TEENAGE CAVEMAN (1958)
...a.k.a. TEENAGE CAVE MAN (variation)
...a.k.a. PREHISTORIC WORLD (working)
...a.k.a. OUT OF THE DARKNESS (England)

522 - TEEN-AGE CRIME WAVE (1955)
...a.k.a. TEENAGE CRIME WAVE (variation)

514 - TEEN-AGE STRANGLER (1964)
...a.k.a. TEENAGE STRANGLER (variation)

404 - TEENAGERS FROM OUTER SPACE (1959; 1957)
...a.k.a. THE BOY FROM ANOTHER WORLD (working)
...a.k.a. INVASION OF THE GARGON (working)
...a.k.a. THE GARGON TERROR (England)

807 - TERROR FROM THE YEAR 5000 (1958)
...a.k.a. TERROR FROM THE YEAR 5,000 (variation)
...a.k.a. TERROR FROM 5,000 A.D. (variation)
...a.k.a. THE GIRL FROM 5,000 A.D. (re-release)
...a.k.a. CAGE OF DOOM (England)
...a.k.a. TERROR EN EL ANO 5.000 (Mexico)

805 - THE THING THAT COULDN'T DIE (1958)
...a.k.a. THE THING THAT WOULDN'T DIE (typo)
...a.k.a. LE DECAPITE VIVANT (Belgium)
...a.k.a. LA CABEZA MALEFICA (Mexico)

L02 - THIS ISLAND EARTH (1955; 1954)
...a.k.a. THIS ISLAND, EARTH (lobby card)
...a.k.a. WAR OF THE PLANETS (working)

821 - TIME CHASERS (1993; 1990)
...a.k.a. *TANGENTS (original)

306 - TIME OF THE APES (1974)
...a.k.a. SARU NO GUDAN (original TV series/Japan)
...a.k.a. *THE APES CORPS (Japan)
...a.k.a. ARMY OF THE APES (Japan)

414 - TORMENTED (1960)

908 - THE TOUCH OF SATAN (1970)
...a.k.a. CURSE OF MELISSA
...a.k.a. NIGHT OF THE DEMON
...a.k.a. THE TOUCH OF MELISSA

1007 - TRACK OF THE MOON BEAST (1976)
...a.k.a. TRACK OF THE MOONBEAST (variation)

507S - THE TRUCK FARMER (1940's?)

T02 - THE TV WHEEL (1996)

524 - 12 TO THE MOON (1959)
...a.k.a. *TWELVE TO THE MOON (variation)

607S - UNCLE JIM'S DAIRY FARM (1960's)

806 - THE UNDEAD (1957)
...a.k.a. THE TRANCE OF DIANA LOVE (working)
...a.k.a. LOS MUERTOS VIVOS (Mexico)

406S - UNDERSEA KINGDOM (1936)
...a.k.a. SHAROD OF ATLANTIS (re-edited feature)

320 - THE UNEARTHLY (1957)
...a.k.a. NIGHT OF THE MONSTERS (working)
...a.k.a. HOUSE OF THE MONSTERS (working)

112 - UNTAMED YOUTH (1957)
...a.k.a. JUVENTUD INDOMABLE (Mexico)

317 - VIKING WOMEN AND THE SEA SERPENT (1957)
...a.k.a. *THE SAGA OF THE VIKING WOMEN AND THEIR VOYAGE TO THE WATERS OF THE GREAT SEA SERPENT (original)
...a.k.a. VIKING WOMEN (England)
...a.k.a. UNDERSEA MONSTER
...a.k.a. THE SAGA OF THE VIKING

523 - VILLAGE OF THE GIANTS (1965)
...a.k.a. EL PUEBLO DE LOS GIGANTES (Mexico)

610 - THE VIOLENT YEARS (1956)
...a.k.a. FEMALE (re-release)
...a.k.a. GIRL GANG TERRORISTS
...a.k.a. TEENAGE GIRL GANG (working)

319 - WAR OF THE COLOSSAL BEAST (1958)
...a.k.a. REVENGE OF THE COLOSSAL MAN (alternate)
...a.k.a. THE TERROR STRIKES! (England)

501 - WARRIOR OF THE LOST WORLD (1983)

904 - WEREWOLF (1996; 1995)
...a.k.a. ARIZONA WEREWOLF

518S - WHAT ABOUT JUVENILE DELINQUENCY (1955)

503S - WHAT TO DO ON A DATE (1951)

609S - WHY STUDY INDUSTRIAL ARTS? (1956)

207 - THE WILD REBELS (1967)

515 - THE WILD, WILD WORLD OF BATWOMAN (1966)
...a.k.a. *THE WILD WORLD OF BATWOMAN (original)
...a.k.a. SHE WAS A HIPPY VAMPIRE (re-release)

104 - WOMEN OF THE PREHISTORIC PLANET (1965)
...a.k.a. PREHISTORIC PLANET WOMEN (re-release?)
...a.k.a. MUJERES DEL PLANETA PREHISTORICO (Mexico)

L01 - WORLD WITHOUT END (1955)

210S - X MARKS THE SPOT (1940's)

610S - A YOUNG MAN'S FANCY (1952)

604 - ZOMBIE NIGHTMARE (1986)

Welcome! | Author, Contributors, Disclaimer | Introduction | FAQs
Movies by Year | Titles by Experiment # | Titles by Alphabetical Order
Performers and Production Crew



SEXYTIME, FOLKS. Sexy ladies who aren't wearing any underwear do that weird 80s-movie sexy lady thing where they gyrate and groan around an object to show that they're, I dunno, sexy and evil. In this case they're gyrating aournd a bubbling cauldron. They're gibbering in 80s-movie sexy-lady/bad guy voices (cartoonish and husky). The bad guy shows up. The bad guy is Rip Torn. Wow. The sexy ladies look up to reveal their hideously wrinkled, ugly faces. Or, you know, the awful masks they're wearing to suggest that. Ugh, let's just leave the awful mother/maiden/crone discussion as read and move on. 


Okay, so the sexy evil ladies are witches, and they're prophesying that some pregnant lady is going to give birth to a dude who'll kill Rip Torn. The king choses this moment to drop by Rip Torn's dungeon-thing and give him a slap on the wrists (banishment) for planning a child sacrifice. Rip Torn is all "...it's your kid Ima sacrifice! and then indulges himself in that barbarian movie standard whereby, to prove that he's very powerful, he makes his subordinates kill themselves. The king is unimpressed and has his (mostly naked) guards lead Rip Torn away. But all for naught; one of the sexy evil ladies later sneaks a cow into the king's bedroom, where he and his wife are asleep. Sexy evil lady pours glowing fluorophor onto the sleepers' necks, apparently immobilizing them, and then does some sort of magic (wheezing "gaaaah" while waving her hands over the queen's belly) to move the fetus from the queen into the cow. The queen dies, the king rolls his eyes and is upset, and the sexy evil lady takes off with the pregnant cow. Outside... somewhere, she kills the cow and removes the baby, but before she can complete the sacrifice (she brands the baby's hand first) she's killed by a fortuitously noble and conveniently local peasant. You know how this goes: the peasant saves the baby and raises him as his own.

And names him... Dar.

Dar is a terrible name, you guys.

Anyway. Dar learns to fight at his adoptive father's side, in their pleasant deserty peasant compound. Young Dar is in possession of a shock of brunette hair. Young Dar is also in possession of a psychic connection with animals. Young Dar grows up brave and strong and noble.

Young Dar becomes... Marc Singer, a man with an undeniably gorgeous body, even tanned into leather and ridiculously oiled up as it is, and the mushed-up face of a bad copy of Mark Hamill. Young Dar also becomes a blond, which isn't usually what happens to brunette children at puberty - without some chemical assistance, anyway - but hell, Dar can talk to animals. Why can't he go blond?

Anyway, life is all very nice for Dar these days. He has a nice dog, and parents who love him, and he gets to spend his days putting his enormous muscles to good use in the grain fields around his awesome peasant compound. Until the day a giant blob attacks the village. Oh, it's not a blob; it's bad animation meant to represent the dust cloud kicked up by an attacking horde of Rip Torn-led villains, the Jun. (See right.) The battle goes predictably: everyone dies, except Dar, who's knocked out and rescued by his dog. In rescuing him, however, the dog takes an arrow to the gut and dies. Dar wakes up and has a vision: weird, swooping landscapes as seen through a blurry oval. This, of course, is bird-cam, and meant to represent that Dar can see through the eyes of an eagle.

Bird-cam raises a series of questions about Dar's magical gift. I guess we're supposed to think that he can communicate with animals because he briefly spent time in bovine utero? Can he talk to animals besides the tiger, eagle and ferrets? How does bird-cam work? Is there just one bird he can use at a time? Does bird-cam transfer between birds? What if one dies? Does he have tiger-cam and ferret-cam, too? If not, what powers accrue to him from the other animals in his menagerie? Can he chitter like a ferret? Or maybe retract his fingernails?

Ahem.

Dar heads back to his bucolic peasant compound to find that the baddies have burned it down and killed its inhabitants. And stuck the bodies atop very tall poles. Why? It's a compelling visual, but like so much in this film, what's the point? Heads on stakes, yes! They get a certain message across with a minimum of effort. But entire bodies on poles 15 feet above the ground? It probably took the Juns longer to stake everyone than it did to raze the town. The town in the middle of nowhere. Where no one will ever see the staked bodies. 

Anyway: Dar is all "DAR MAD" and flares his nostrils. Then he changes from his peasant outfit (furry loincloth; serape) to his Barbarian Badass outfit (fringed loincloth; gauntlets; back-scabbord; circlet. Circlet? Really?), picks up his dad's special boomerang weapon, and jaunts off into the wide world, his eagle trailing after him. What follows is a perfect example of that barbarian film staple, the badass barbarian training montage: Dar runs around a rocky hilltop  flexing his muscles and swinging his sword. Apparently he finds this exercise invigorating, as he does quite a lot of smiling for someone who recently lost his entire village to murderers. Maybe he's just enjoying a bit of animal nudity: he's not even wearing his fringed loincloth for this bit, only his undies and his boots. Ah, near-nudity! The sun on your back and the wind blowing across your perfectly waxed chest!  

Dar is not a complicated soul.

Dar's next acquisition: two ferrets, who try to steal his purse. In his effort to retrieve his man-bag, Dar falls into a patch of quicksand and nearly dies. The ferrets fall in, too, but Dar saves them. Now Dar has new friends! He names the ferrets Kodo and Podo. Ah, high fantasy gibberish names: where would we be without them? Dar's all "DAR HAVE FRIENDS" and is very pleased with how well his revenge adventure is going so far.

 BUT HARK, WHAT SOUND DOTH REACH DAR'S EAR? Lo, it is bird-cam! A tiger is imperiled! Dar rushes off to save the black tiger and then, eighteen minutes into this film, comes the moment. You know, the moment. The moment we've all been waiting for. The moment Dar squawks like a bird. (At the three minute mark here.)

Dar squawks a couple more times throughout the film, but never is it less expected and more utterly fucking ridiculous than right here. And, bless Marc Singer, he commits himself to that squawk. He's not lip-synching or anything; that's all Singer right there.

His adventuring party complete (ranger/eagle; rogue/ferrets; fighter/tiger; meatshield/Dar), our hero bounds off to enjoy some male privilege. Two mostly naked young women are splishing around in a miserable-looking little pond. Dar sends the ferrets off to steal their clothes and then, when one of them follows (Tanya Roberts, before she went blonde), Dar sends his tiger to pretend to threaten her. After "saving" her by copping a massive feel, Dar explains that she owes him her life, and she can make up her debt by submitting to being forcibly kissed by him. He mashes his face into hers until she kicks him to the ground. They fight a bit, and talk a bit, and she's a slave-girl in the palace, yadda yadda yadda. She runs off. Ah, romance. You taste like consent laws.

As night falls, Dar sees something shiny on the horizon and investigates. It's a really big tree with a bunch of icky glowing sacks hanging from its branches. Also hanging from its branches: a dude in a cage, over a really big pot of bubbling goo. Dar frees the dude, who signals his thanks by running straight into the waiting arms of the local villains, batlike man things who worship a Nazi eagle symbol. One eats the recently uncaged dude by hugging him to its chest, digesting him and delivering a collection of green goo and bones to Dar's feet. DAR NO LIKE. Dar super-flares his nostrils and draws his sword. The monsters start to move in, but then Dar's eagle swoops down and lands on the Nazi eagle symbol. The monsters draw away, but not befor giving Dar a Nazi eagle symbol medallion of his very own. 

Dar wakes the next morning and discovers he's right by Rip Torn's city. He wanders on in. Rip Torn has lined the road leading to the city with more staked bodies. Consistency is the hobgoblin of small minds, Rip Torn. Once inside, Dar disguises himself with a robe (why?) and watches Rip Torn sacrifice a child by standing on top of a ziggaurat and throwing the kid into a firepit. OH THIS WILL NOT STAND. Dar flares and sends his eagle to save the second child sacrifice. The eagle, blessed with what I can only assume is magical strength, does indeed save the second child.

Anne: Are you suggesting children fly?

Beastmaster: No, they could be carried.

Anne: What, an eagle carrying a child?

Beastmaster: It could grip it by the husk!

Anne: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight-ratios! A ten-pound bird could not carry a forty-pound child!

Ahem. Rip Torn glowers, Tanya Roberts does her dead-eyed Tanya Roberts thing, (oh yeah, she's there too.) and yay, Dar is a hero. For real, you guys. He didn't even fake this one.

So now Dar has some new friends, the family of the rescued kid. Yay! Friendship really is magic. We get a little exposition about how Rip Torn is evil (which we already knew) and then Dar leaves the city to go rescue the slave girls who are going to be sacrificed soon. Apparently all the slave girls are about to be killed (why?), but Dar only cares about Tanya Roberts (Ugh, fine; her name is Kiri, which is such an 80s high fantasy girl name it makes me want to cry.)

Dar leaves the city to find Kiri et al. Meanwhile, Rip Torn gives one of his goons an eyeball ring - it transmits images to that bubbling cauldron the sexy evil ladies like to grind against - and then, while spying on Dar, realizes that Dar is the baby he tried to kill earlier in the film (by the brand on Dar's hand - remember that?) and orders his heavies to kill him. Dar fights off the baddies with the help of his tiger and two new characters, a big guy with a ponytail and a brunette kid. The kid takes the eyeball ring, not realizing what it is. We soon learn that the kid is the son of the king, so Dar's brother. The kid (Tal) and the big guy (Seth) are trying to raise an army to fight Rip Torn. Whatever; they all make friends over the fact that they're dudes on various vengeance quests.

And then we learn that Kiri is... Tal's cousin. Meaning she's Dar's cousin, but no one knows that yet. Except us. I mean, yeah: it's a bronze-age barbarian fantasy, so obviously we're not suppsed to read our modern squeamishness about incest into the relationship but: uuuuugh.

  Guards are leading the slave girls down to a river. The slave girls are all wearing quite a lot of clothing, for slave girls, but don't worry; they'll be down to their skivvies in a minute or two. A guard grunts and menaces Kiri for no real reason. DAR NO LIKE. Dar flares, but it's Seth who actually saves Kiri. Dar kills one or two then cops another feel off the terrified Kiri while Seth takes on the rest of the guards. All the other slave girls vanish. Like, seriously; they're there one moment, and then they're gone, never to be seen again. Seth and Dar make Kiri tie up the guards and load them onto the ferry, and our brave party tries to escape as more guards descend upon them. But Seth can't make the ferry go fast enough - it's too heavy - so Kiri pushes the tied guards into the water to drown horribly. Our heroes escape; everyone laughs; the end.

Dar and Kiri make out a little, and then Seth, aka the only useful party member, takes off. Apparently to go raise that army, finally.

Back in the city, Dar, Kiri and Tal break into Rip Torn's palace, which is made up of the fakest rock walls we've seen since Excalibur. They find the aged (and blind) king and then Dar dallies with some sort of lobotomized zombie knight-thing. Lobotomized zombie knight-thing nearly gets the better of Dar, it must be said. Rip Torn appears and does some background menacing during the fighting. Lobotomized zombie knight-thing (just some poor asshole in black chaps and spiked gloves) is left to fight... the ferrets.

The good guys run into a room, chased by the lobotomized zombie-chaps thing, but it's a dead end! Oh, it is not. Tal rushes over to a giant spigot sticking out of the wall and turns it, causing a hoist to lift a giant skull off the ground... revealing a secret staircase. I mean, really. Now, on the one hand: why else have a room with a giant skull in it except to hide your secret staircase? On the other hand, though: why not have a room with a giant skull sitting on the floor. And if you've got that skull, why not attach ropes to it? 

Don't worry; you're safe if your palace is taken over and the villain, while taking stock of his new possessions, happens to wander into the dead-end room with the giant skull attached to a rope attached to a pulley attached to a lever on the wall which hides your secret staircase. Because the only reasonable and sensible thing he'll think to himself is this: ah, yes, this winch, which is attached to the top of that enormous, likely very heavy and surely immovable giant fucking thing on the floor CANNOT POSSIBLY somehow operate to move the giant fucking thing and thus reveal a hidden staircase, because that would be insane. I MEAN, REALLY. WHO HIDES A STAIRCASE UNDER A HUGE SKULL?

I have one of those rooms in my own house, and believe you me, that skull does not fucking move. I mean, I've never tried to operate the winch, but I've looked at that skull really, really hard. It doesn't move.

 Ahem.

So they escape and take the king into the desert, where a lot of people are... hanging out? The blind king blindly wanders around monologuing about crushing Rip Torn and his legion of baddies, somehow blindly managing to avoid stepping in the many campfires scattered around. Oh, uh, Seth's back. The king gets mad about Dar and calls him "a freak... who speaks to animals" and throws him out. FINE, DAR GO. BUT DAR SAD. DAR SHED SINGLE TEAR. 

Everyone in camp is asleep, more or less. Tal's still wearing that eyeball ring, which opens up and looks around. Seth sees it and kills it (it screams?) but not before Rip Torn and his sexy evil ladies have figured out where they are. The bad guys capture the good guys. Dar animals up and heads back into the city to save everyone.

The next day, atop his ziggurat, Rip Torn is going to sacrifice Kiri and Tal and Seth. Oh noes. Dar releases Seth and Tal, who throw off their sacrificial cloaks and fight the baddies. Dar slashes his way up the side of Rip Torn's ziggurat o' doom while Rip ties down Kiri because she hasn't been imperiled in a while. Fighty fight fight. Rip holds a dagger to the king's throat (One wonders why he didn't kill the king, I dunno, years ago.) and maunders on a bit about how Dar is fulfilling a prophecy. The king finally twigs that Dar is his long lost kid. Too late for it to matter much, as Rip Torn kills the fuck out of him.

Ahem.

Dar stabs Rip Torn and Rip goes down. Dar picks up Kiri and stands atop the ziggurat, feeling very pleased with himself. Rip pulls himself up and tries to stab Dar in the back, but Dar's ferrets hop onto him and manage to get him to fall into the nearby firepit. Unfortunately, one of the ferrets falls in with him. This is, honest to god, the most upsetting moment in the entire film. Everyone is very sad when they realize that one of the only two truly likable characters in the movie has just died. Also, Rip Torn. Hey, does that mean the movie's over yet?

No. The city still has to fight off all of Rip Torn's stake-happy baddies. They prepare the city for battle - well, Seth does; Dar sits on the ziggurat and mopily flares his nostrils. The city's great defense? It's going to light the tarpit moat that surrounds the city on fire. Really? A tarpit moat?. Amazingly enough, this doesn't really work. The Jun show up and fighty fight fight!  Just when things look grimmest for our heroes, Dar remembers the Nazi eagle symbol and gives it to his eagle, to summon the gross winged monsters to their aid. A few minutes later, the winged monster-things appear and eat all the bad guys. Everyone is all "...eeugh." It takes forever, but, y'know. Good prevails. Everyone cheers, the end.

Oh, don't be silly. We still have the denoument to endure. The next morning, Dar and Seth have a manly conversation about manly things, like how Dar's the rightful king of the tarpit moat people. DAR NO WANT CROWN. Then Dar leaves to go, I dunno, do hero stuff somewhere else. Kiri jiggles after him but doesn't wind up following, choosing instead to stand in a patch of sunlight and look wistfully after him. Tal, now king of the tarpit moat people, runs up the side of the ziggurat where he unwraps a present that Dar left him - his peasant father's weird boomerang weapon (which he only used what, once the entire film?) Tal is sort of unnervingly underdressed.

Our last shot is of Dar walking alone (with his animals), flaring his nostrils in sadness as he heads off into the sunset for his next adventure, alone alone alone. DAR SO ALONE. Or is he? Ho ho ho, look! It's Kiri, come to join Dar! Nothing prepares a girl for a life of adventure-having and wilderness-wandering like being raised as a temple slave girl. I'm sure she has a long and joyful life ahead of her. They kiss while Dar's remaining ferret sticks his or her head out of his man-purse. And a bunch of squeaking ferret babies follow suit! Love is in the air! The tiger and the ferret kiss, too. No, really. We get an overhead shot of Dar and Kiri making out while the poor tiger wanders around, all "guys? Guys? Can we go yet? Hey, guys?" THE END.

Pucker up, baby. 

Beastmaster is a barbarian movie paint-by-number. It hits every single barbarian movie convention like it's the ball in the barbarian movie pinball machine. The son of a king gets raised by a noble peasant family, discovers his magical qualities, sees his family slaughtered before his eyes, vows revenge, meets girl, loses girl, fights villain, saves girl, wins hearts, and refuses his rightful place as king to go make the world a better place. Basic cable reruns unavoidable; sequels inevitable; cult status assured.

This plot had dust on it in 1982; by 2012, you can actually hear it decomposing. What might save the film - a really interesting performance, or a likable or unexpected character - never materializes. Dar isn't smart or clever or even funny (much as the film tries in that regard). His one-liners hit the ground like falling masonry: just as ill-timed and just as unwelcome. His meet-cute with the girl is, thirty years on, a cringe-inducing example of rape culture played for laughs. Oh, har har, he stole her clothes! Oh tee hee, he's only pretending to imperil the girl, so he can steal a kiss!

Jared fell asleep during Beastmaster, but I managed the entire thing (twice) and it's not entirely without its redeeming qualities. The cinematography, for one, is beautiful. (John Alcott, the cinematographer, was best known for his work with Stanley Kubrick, including The Shining and Clockwork Orange.) Our female lead isn't anything even approaching nuanced, interesting, or well-acted, of course, but a few of the performances are, if not remarkable, at least not totally dire. Marc Singer's not awful, (although he really does tend to convey emotion by flaring his nostrils) and there's an underlying mischievousness to his performance that helps undercut some of the more annoying barbarian movie conventions, even if they don't sell the "humor" of the script. Rip Torn is sort of late-stage Jack Nicholsoning his way through his villain, but... well, so would you. And John Amos is actually pretty decent as the gentle badass Seth. 

But oh, that plot. It is so predictable. Which is actually kind of astonishing in and of itself, considering that the movie, taken as separate pieces, doesn't even make much sense. After all, this is the movie where the plot kicks off when someone sneaks a cow into a king's bedroom.

Oh, also: everyone is, like, super naked in this film. And yet there isn't a single sexy moment in the entire thing. Like She-Ra, rarely has so much flesh been on display to so little effect.

Monsters: Bat-things who worship Nazi eagles and eat people with their wings. A lobotomized zombie in leather chaps. Sexy evil ladies with cartoon voices and no panties. A giant skull that hides a secret staircase. A moat made of tar. A sneaky cow.

Mullets: No mullets, but bonus points for Dar's befringed bowlcut and circlet, Kiri's feathery hair, and Rip Torn's braids with tiny skulls on them.

Hookers, Victims & Doormats: Victims and doormats we have aplenty, and they're all played by Tanya Roberts. The witches are sort of randomly sexed up, which is annoying. Why aren't the witches wearing underwear? I mean, really.  Oh, and yeah, there's that meet-cute rapey scene thing. Everyone gets a billion awesome points for that one.*

Doesn't Anyone Think This Shit Through? WHO DECIDED TO PAINT A TIGER WITH TOXIC DYE? For fuck's sake.

Major Movie Boner-Killer: Dude. The tiger died.

Ruining my Childhood by Inches: With the failure of the new Conan looming over the modern barbarian-cinema landscape, there don't appear to be any plans to remake Beastmaster. Though Robert Rodriguez has probably considered it.

 Comprehensive Monsters & Mullets Awesomeness Spectrum Placement:Krull, meet your new best friend.

* I'm lying. No one gets any awesome points for any of it.

Comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *